


loved; lost

by hurricanekid



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, M/M, One Shot, Uncertain Ending, or at least that's how i see it, sorry babies xx
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-13
Updated: 2019-06-13
Packaged: 2020-05-07 05:35:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19202935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hurricanekid/pseuds/hurricanekid
Summary: Steve's been writing letters to Bucky, trying to make peace with the fact that he might not ever find Bucky again.





	loved; lost

**Author's Note:**

> picking some fics out of my drafts folder from a couple of years ago and finally publishing them. sorry it's a sad one.

 Steve never stopped writing.

The notebook he kept, it wasn’t just filled with the things he’d missed.

It was also letters to _who_ he missed.

_Bucky,_

It’d start off, sometimes.

 _Love of my life_ ,

the other.

* * *

“This isn’t a rescue mission.” Sam said.

“I know.” Steve looked at him, evenly.

“If you don’t make it back…” Sam didn’t bother finishing the sentence.

“I know.” _I know_.

* * *

 

~~_Bucky,_ ~~

~~_You are,_ ~~

~~_I was a fool._ ~~

~~_I wish you were here._ ~~

~~_I want you back, come back, why won’t you come back? I need you I wish you’d come up behind me and whisper in my ear how much you love me and-_ ~~

_Bucky,_

He started after a breath.

 _I don’t know how to find you. I’m finally admitting it to myself that I_ can’t. _I don’t know how to find you and it’s killing me._

_Or at least I think it is._

_Every day without you is_ _l ~~ike rubbing salt in a wound,~~ _

~~_Like trying to breathe underwater_ ~~

~~_Impossible._ ~~

_Difficult._

_I want to find you so badly that I can’t breathe. The air catches in my throat and suddenly I can’t swallow and I don’t know how I ever survived with you gone_ ~~_before_ _._ ~~

A tear stained the paper.

More followed.

 _I think about you_ ~~_sometimes, often, all the time_ ~~ _and it’s like_

_I love you._

_I feel like I never told you that enough. I was small and stubborn and I miss the way your arms could wrap all the way around me and I could feel safe._

~~_I don’t feel safe anymore._ ~~

_I could feel so safe, you, curled around me, breath warm on my neck, arms holding me close._

_God I-_

* * *

Steve tried to write every night.

Sometimes it was staring at the ceiling wondering when it would all end.

Other times it was Steve sitting in front of a sheet of paper, trying to draw, willing himself to move the pen but staying frozen for hours.

Some nights, he tried to drown out the thoughts, and didn’t succeed.

* * *

_Bucky,_

_Do you remember that first day we_  

* * *

He was floating, getting lighter and lighter.

_Bucky, love of my life._

All Steve could think was this, as he was floating away, floating and floating.

_I love you I love you I love you I love you I love-_

**Author's Note:**

> [follow me on tumblr here](http://hurricanekid.tumblr.com)


End file.
